Dear You,

I wanted to call you today. I know you don't have a phone, and I don't really have a way to contact you. So I thought hey I'll send you a message telling you to call me! But then i wheeled my mind back and said No. I wouldn't let myself. I can't let myself. It hurts so bad it makes me shake. I just wanted to hear that "hello" I wanted to envision your lips all pouty and cute, but I didn't...Each time I can't reach you it hurts...but I'm only getting stronger, I hope..

How can I accept this?

Moving on wouldn't be hard if I could just find some cool attractive people in this city. I know that all it takes for me to forget Chris is to have someone else around catching my attention, but I have yet to find that person in any way. I genuinely hate him and I know he's going absolutely nowhere in his life, I mean I've watched him do the same exact thing, which is nothing, for the past year. Yet I know the truth about him and I hate who he is, so why can't I stop trying to communicate with him? Sometimes I think about when I tried to leave him before and he held onto my ankles crying for me not to leave and wouldn't let go, and I remember almost laughing because I was thinking to myself "is this 21 year old boy really doing this to me?" I remember him showing up at my house when I wouldn't answer the phone and him freaking out and kicking my front door because I wouldn't talk to him I remember him locking me in my bedroom so I couldn't leave him, and those are alllll the fucking reasons I did leave him. So, why as soon as I got lonely and was 600 miles away did I think it was a good idea to call him up? It wasn't. It just kept me occupied and it's nice having someone care about you that much-but literally he's insane. REGUARDLESS; my whole point right now is i'm trying with one step in front of nother to get as quickly away from him as possible. and by that I mean I'm seriously trying to make it feel like he doesn't and didn't matter for as long as he did, I want to get to the point where someone mentions his name and I laugh, and memories race back but that's all they do, I don't want the memories to affect my feelings anymore; because that is all that they are, memories.

I'm really sad

And when I say that I don't mean the type of sadness caused by one word or words, or by one person or persons, I mean genuinely sad. I want to deny it everyday to myself and tell myself it's only because of (a) and I wouldn't be so down if (b) hadn't happened, but it's not like that. I don't know what to do to about it anymore, how did I let this sadness back into my life? I got rid of it once, and it came back with an evil vengeance to say the least...my whole body hurts every day inside and out. Everything that I used to never be affected by, hits me now like pins and needles. I feel like everything is so much worse than what it is in reality. I really really miss being this carefree happy girl who everyone loved being around...and now I'm nothing close to that. If someone told me that the Earth was going to implode tomorrow I can not say I would feel the least bit scared, because it would make this life and all life be over and I can't say I wouldn't mind that. I hate waking up, I hating thinking about so many things that become intertwined into one mess and I just get myself so worked up over these thoughts that will never go away. I can't find anyone to intimately connect with. I feel like I lost 90% of the people who care or cared about me. I can't make myself hate the one person that has made my life a living nightmare. What THE FUCK IS MY PROBLEM.

If it's not so bad

then why does it feel like it is?

I really miss having a guy here, all the time, my best friend, everything. I mean I swear nothing was better than going to get subway and lying in my bed watching movies all night. Talking to 3 am, laughing, music, everything was so great about my last relationship. So why can't I find anyone now? Is it Charlotte? Is it because I only attract people who are going nowhere in life but on the same road they've been going for the past 5 years of their miserable lives? And how come the only people that are interested in me, I have absolutely no interest in dating them what so ever? I don't understand this, but it's all been running my mind.

yepp

totally invisible.

One Year

Obviously a lot can change in a year, I mean my post a year ago from today was totally different than the post I'm about to type, yet that's not all. It's overpowering my mind, all this. I hate it. I would like to erase this past year and go back to last september and say no. then where would I have been? I would like to go back to march when I went to David for help (well for money) and he gave me the money and I went and got all fucked up but then what happened? he turned me in. I wish that would have never happened, I wish I wouldn't have let Charity talk me into asking him for help, even though I was only looking for the cash that he did give me, if I would have said no I wouldn't be here. I would be happy. I would have forgotten Chris I would have moved on I would still be living with my friends, but I'd probably be really fucked up by now. It's kind of good what happened to me, but in a sense it makes me feel so empty inside, and I feel like I have nothing now. Back then I felt like I had everything, everyone, but my future wasn't as bright as it is now. How does that happen? empty, lonely, sad = my future is brighter...happy, fun, excitment, friends = going nowhere more than likely. I always made the best grades and knew I was going to college, but when I was home and with my friends I didn't want college I said fuck that give me a minimum wage job that doesn't drug test and I'll be happy I don't want kids or marriage, and now only 6 months later I want to go to college I want to get away and be really sucessful but fuck the whole married with kids. Why is it like that?

I would love this job