Wonder

And now I sit. In the moment. In the thoughts. What to say, what not to say.
Should it really matter?
Why hold back? Give it all you got.
With nothing in return, I'd almost rather a slap in the face.
I gave it my all. Feelings. Where do they come from?
What do you feel? Why can't you say?
You were the lucky one, I was the profound one.
One of a kind. You don't find many, but they never know. They never see. All we do is observe.
Take in. Absorb. That's what we do. And we get slapped harder than them all.

***

I type, and no one reads this shit. This is my "diary"; this is me.
My feelings. My emotions. My hopes, fears, plans, thoughts, ideas.
As public as could be, and no one knows them.
I love me, and not many people can say that.
I give everything my all, and I love with everything.

***

I just want feedback, words, emotions, feelings.
You can't say everything was nothing.
You can't act like everything was nothing,
but you do.
So, was it nothing?

Tuesday & Wednesday

I sat there, 10-20 feet above that wild black lake.
It felt like I could reach down and touch the bottom of the never-ending wildness;
my feet dangled above the oil canvas that laid below me.
And I watched the crayon smoke rise continuously throughout the evening.

Laughter rang through every inch of my being.
Thoughts flew through my mind at marvelous speeds.

I watched the sun go down, and I watched the sun come up.
That's what the world does, that's what simplicity is.
Everything is the same when you go to bed and when you wake up.
The tide may have changed, and it's another day, but forces we can't control, control us, control nature, and will keep doing this forever. You can't stop it, you just have to go with it.

Why let what you can't control bring you down?
You shouldn't, and I don't anymore, I won't.

The most therapeutic evening in years.

There needs to be a plan

So here it is.
You're gone, and it's not like I can't handle that.
I'll be okay eventually.
Right now, I'm down and out and feel so lost.
Time, time, oh Time.

Currently; it is summer before my last semester of high school.
-I need to get my portfolio together. Starting NOW.
-Digital portfolio and a Book too.
-Read some books.
-Need canvas and paint, oh a little inspiration would be wonderful.

Fall: School begins,
-I need to save, save, and SAVE my money.
-October 11-17th week of Jenni's release.
-Take my SAT once more, maybe twice.

WINTER: Graduation
-Apply to University of Alabama (Tuscaloosa)
-Apply to University of Gulf Coast Florida (Fort Myers Beach)
-Move back to Birmingham after graduation, get an apartment with Jenni.

Fall 2011:
New life begins.


This is only 6 months away. And the excitement I feel in my body by just thinking about it, is ecstasy. I can't wait to get the fuck out of Charlotte, North Carolina.