A Note To Self

Dear Margaret, You are taking a huge step, and I am so, so, so very proud of you. You have always said you would never be able to pick up and just travel, unless you abandoned everyone and everything like a thief in the night, and you did not do that. You set yourself up for traveling. You finished everything you had going on, and stuck to your plan. You have prepared much better than planned. You are so committed and I love you so much for that. Realize how much courage it takes to stay committed and to keep reassuring yourself as much as you do; you know you are strong, but to be honest, you are a lot stronger than you believe. This needs to change, you need to believe. Stop being so hard on yourself all the time, please? You really need to realize how great your heart is and how much you truly do care about the well being of those around you. Take care of yourself, and allow yourself to feel every little thing, but remember to feel all those things in positive light, not negative light. You bring yourself down far too often by doing this, and it absolutely needs to change. Stop looking to people for satisfaction with yourself; look to yourself, you do not need approval from anyone, ever. While doing this, try to let people in more instead of shutting them out. Your connectedness to loved ones depends on your openness and ability to share your absolute emotions, even if they seem ridiculous, LET IT OUT and DO NOT BE ASHAMED! Do not be scared to speak up and question. Do not be scared to assess yourself more often and the current state of affairs, while doing this however, stop rushing. Let it flow. You are too tense all the time because of this. The body in which we inhibit feels this great tension and stress in terrible ways. You really should lighten up. Be easy, Yourself

Lucidity

To be at peace with the outside world, you must learn to be at peace within. I find my inner peace, on most days. What does that look like, "finding your inner peace" Well, you know, most days people wake up to an alarm clock, maybe stubbing their toe upon getting out of bed, stepping into a scolding hot shower, spilling coffee on their only clean work shirt, and their day begins.... What a horrible start to a stressful Monday? Most people do not realize, it does not have to look like this. Try waking up already having a smile, completely knowing you are about to kick today's ass. That is true inner peace. Realizing your control of your daily experience. Maybe you can't move a mountain with your thoughts, but you can control weather you rear end someone in traffic on your way to work. ~(Personal Experience)~ Our universe is inside of you. Our universe is pure energy. Positive energy, negative energy, it exists inside of you to attract either one~ Which are you attracting? Ever noticed how energetic one may feel upon finally stepping outside for the first time of the day? The energy the ground you walk on surges through your feet, feeling the vibrations of everything all at once. You hear the sounds of every little things in a close proximity to your being. Be aware. Appreciate your life. Appreciate your soul and worth as a being of great wonder and experience. Embrace everything, every little incident or encounter. What makes you happy? What makes you feel successful, accomplished, what makes you feel like you can do anything? Please do those things more, make time for those who feed your soul. This is inner peace. It is a sad soul who does not know what feeds their soul and does not know how to live a life of great awareness and self worth. One who chooses to not explore themselves and chooses to not go beyond societies limits of do's and don'ts and good or bad. What makes you tick, not what makes everyone else tick. ~love and light.

Operation Occupy Mind

Difficult, in the sense of misunderstanding your surroundings.
I understand the wave of motion in which my surroundings move, how to adapt when you find it so unfair? Malicious animals fighting to control the very thing that drives us as people of a society. I don't wish to participate anymore. I love certain aspects in my life, but in the grand scheme of things I'm a prison in life. I must wake up answering to people who treat me with the slightest sense of respect but yet I because of my morality answer and repeat in respect. Humanity is doomed. I don't want to be an ant in the midst of the chaos any longer, I want to retreat, I want to be amongst the whispering wind, I want to break out of the chains of what is excepted of me every day. How to do that when your future in this doomed society is so bright? And as long as I play along and try to make my mind and emotions adapt, I become the very zombie every one is waiting for, but has already turned into. I want to shine my light and embrace my opportunitiesi laid out in front of me, but why must I feel so miserable about playing in the guidelines of this societal life until breaking free becomes easier? I must find a way to occupy my mind until my escape is quick painless and freeing in every aspect.

Sorry about the cage around the heart.

I always wonder things like
"why did I fall for him harder than he fell for me?"
"Why don't I feel for that person like they feel for me?"
"Why won't I let anyone in?"
"Or is it just timing?"

Then the reminiscing comes into play...reels of memories playing over and over again like a black and white old movie I found from storage wars. I see the same few faces. My young face. My young sad filled with tears of teenage heartbreak. I got played. It hurt, does it hurt anymore? No. I knew that then too, that it would be over soon enough and only a memory i shake my head at and flip to the next reel. But as these memories stream through my mind, I come back to these questions I stated earlier. I realize this metal cage around my feelings, around me, that keep myself from letting others get to me, is shackled. I think I locked it up and threw away the key. Empathy is there. Sympathy is there. Self-Satisfaction exists.

But that feeling...you know that one where that one person looks at you, it sends shivers down your spine. It makes the hair on your arms rise. Your heart beat faster. The butterflies that will never stop fluttering every time you lock in on each other's eyes. All you want to feel is the presence of their arms tightly around your body...Yeah, you all know what I speak of, and I'm terribly scared I have blocked these feelings from ever existing inside myself again. Because of the fear, the fear of the feeling of rejection, being forgotten, and being replaced.

Wave of emotion comes crashing as my fingers type this.
I'm only hoping to get the idea out of my head by sealing it in my 4 year old blog.

To what may come

To be able to take things in life weather amazing, terrible, ironic, etc. and make it a life lesson is a trait I am so grateful for.
Of course not every slight situation in life can be learned from.
Yet I find myself lost and confused a lot, then again I find myself in strange life lessons more often than most.
Take what you will and run with it.
I try I really do. I try and appreciate everything for what its worth.
I wonder why some aspect of my life are the way they are,
then comes the voice saying, "All in time young one"
It is true, I am way far too young to worry and wonder about the things I do.
Yet I have felt seen done, experienced, learned a great deal,
and my thoughts overrun my mind into amazingly deep places.
And this can be a curse, yet maybe it's all for something grater.
Now in lies the waiting game.
For what?

Time flies by.

Buzzz Buzz Buz Bu B....
Dwindling away to nothing. At nothing?
Wait, what to say
Separate the thoughts as to make complete sentences so you can understand what I'm trying to convey.
What if I don't want you to understand though. I mean people always stay entertained for longer when they can't figure it out.

Blah Blah blah. Life streams by and separates into particles which then sporadically go back and fourth between here and there ultimately ending up where it began. Or does it? Where did it begin? Hmm..
WHere did I begin? and was I supposed to? And am I supposed to be here? I don't want to be here. I want to go back. Yet, that is giving up, I think...I can't give up.

She doesn't get enough

Is it in the bottom of the bottle? Because from these past few months it seems as if I'm looking in all the wrong places.

To build a bridge, it has to have strong metal, steel, stilts for support.
I mean if it didn't, the bridge would wobble and crumble in no time.
The concept is the same for human beings.
Without support you feel yourself slipping into the empty place.
Once you get there it is dark and you look around and wonder ,"why?"
Why what?
Why was it so hard to have someone love you, believe in you, trust you, care about you, be happy for you.
Yet, people are ignorant fucks.
All you will ever have is yourself. This is very true. Only you, the thing that makes those random thoughts pop into your mind, the thing that makes you angry, sad, happy, the thing that makes you, you. Yeah, that's all you'll ever be able to rely on to never leave. Because once that one thing is gone, you're a cold corpse in the ground being eaten alive by maggots. You follow?


It feels like I'm slowing slipping to the bottom of that empty place. I find myself asking why more often than not. But then i remember I have the one thing that can never leave, and once it does leave so do I. So, in a way its always going to be okay. Weather your family, boyfriend, best friend, teacher, doctor, or whomever agree and support you, do what the fuck you want. Their opinions will never benefit you directly anyway.