High, How Are You?

I thought I could do this, but it's a lot harder when the days seem like they last an eternity.


I need to be up , up, up; as up as I can be. I forgot how much I hated doing this and how much pressure it is not to do it and how much I feel like I need it to feel alright about my life. I just need to be relaxed. I'm always so fucking stressed about anything and everything. But someone once told that that I should just enjoy the time I have to myself and don't think too deeply into things and everything will feel alright. I think they have a good point, but I just can't help but to let my thoughts spiral into places I need to bury and forget.

90 down the freeway,

singing at the top of my lungs.


It was all good.

Finally content?

I have found the perfect fix. (and it's not using any type of alcohol or drug.)
I feel totally infinite, and last night has been what I needed for a probably over a year now.


I really hope this is as great as it appears to be on the surface.

A low blow

to the stomach was waking up to a disconnected cell phone! Then my mom wasn't concerned which pissed me off even more. She was like, "That sucks, I guess you'll have to go without one." So I kind of made an ass of myself by saying, "FUCK YOU MOM YOU BITCH"
Yeah, I feel horrible. But hey! I'm not a damn morning person, and I am easily aggravated to begin with, I need to learn to just not say what I'm thinking...

-I have to work tonight.

-Jenni is in jail, which I just found out about and that makes my stomach hurt so bad knowing that. I hope she gets out soon, I really need to talk to her, I feel so bad for her.

-And he is in Vincent.

There are so many negative aspects to this day.


Okay, I'll be okay.

This is fucking ecstasy

Say Anything song...

Yet, totally perfect to describe how I am feeling right now.

taken inside to things

I feel like going crazy today, ya know?

my weekend was a non-stop blur.

In Awe.

It kind of awes me that people find complete happiness in believing in something you have no idea if it is there or not. I'm writing an argumentative paper on weather prayer in school is okay, my opinion is no that would not be okay, it would be completely idiotic and backwards to have prayer in a public school, but hell this is the Bible Belt, anything can happen!

I was sitting in History, and something weird happened. I just thought "I wonder what my soul is going to do once it's through with using my body" I can't really describe how I felt it was just kind of a shockingly weird deja vu feeling.

It also awes me how people can change around their lives so quickly, one extreme to another and it's kind of crazy watching it happen before your eyes. I really wonder how people can be happy living a sober life, people who were once getting high with me won't touch the stuff and I can't figure out what they don't see in it. I love it and I don't think I'll ever stop loving it.

"It's sad when someone has to mask their feelings with getting high"
Yeah, that's what my mom always says to me.

100's

yes! i went from having no cigarettes to having 2 packs...

i'm very frustrated. i think that if i had a best friend walking the same high school halls that my life would seem a little bit more okay, but the simple fact that i am so on my own when it comes to being at school makes me want to slam every single soul in that high school through the cement wall. i'm really not a violent person like that. everything lately has been putting me on edge. not having enough money, no clothes, no car, no life, no nothing. it's really making me grit my teeth and just hold it all in and i hate doing that. are things really as miserable as they appear to be? and if not, then why does everything feel 100x worse than it actually is?

hopefully this will settle me down...

breath, just breathe. the weather was perfect today.

Fed up

with 98 percent of humanity.

I don't even have a good best friend within my reach anymore. I feel as if I'm on my own to fend for myself.

All I want is a companion, someone who will be there. Doesn't have to be a boyfriend, but someone to show they care, preferably a boy. I am very fed up with laying around all by my lonesome lately. I wonder why my social life has declined recently. I need a few more good movies to watch, and even better books. Give me suggestions.

Plead Insanity

I swear if I walk one more day through the halls of Chelsea High School I could loose the last bit of sanity I have. Everything there gets me down, the ignorant people, teachers, books, everything. Their reasoning behind ever decision is to just do it because the book says so. I mean I'm seriously contemplating getting my GED and going to Jeff State until I can get into University of Central Florida. Yet, I won't be 16 for another long 7 months.


On the other hand...I think these steroids pills/shot I got are making my Poison Ivy go away. I think I'm going to have disgusting scars though, that defiantly blows.

My mom and I have been on a good note lately. I really wonder if her contemplations will pull for the side I'm on...Damn I need new clothes BAD.

Itch Itch Itch

I'm so unsure of most things that I can't even bring myself to make a simple decision. I have been really content for the past week. Things are flowing nicely, I guess for the most part. I have nothing to complain about. Surprising? Anyways, I hope things go as planned and I should have a smooth weekend.


Poison Ivy/Oak sucks, BY THE WAY.

You Must Be Willing

Let there be a volume that cannot be denied.
Let there be an emotion that you cannot fake
The greatness unanimously acknowledged.
A lie that you just cannot tell.
Let them know hatred, fear and war. Let there be peace for us all.
With our goals one day met, let us know a feeling of great accomplishment.
With our failures complete, let us learn to survive.

Your body will know if it's not the right way to go,
just listen closely to your heart and follow
You must be willing to abandon it all.
You must be willing to starve.

Let us challenge the wait for a day of reckoning.
Let us deny shame and guilt.
Let us know with absolute certainty that we were fools to ever second guess ourselves.
Let us know a feeling of invincibility, as real as our fragile bones.
There's a truth to be learned, I'm sure of it,
just like I know there is nothing at all.

Your Body will know if it's not the right way to go,
just listen closely to your heart and follow.
You must be willing to abandon it all.
You must be willing to starve.

1 hour and 33 minutes in counting

God, I don't know what's going to happen...
I hope something good.

I want to leave columbiana today, not stay.

please go well. please go well. please go well.

2 days

"they say the things you dream about are things you really want, or are scared of"


if so a couple people either really want me, or are really scared of me...


damn.

Sleep

It's weird how I never used to be able to sleep. I could stay up all night and all day and it not even phase me. Now, if I just glance at my bed I want to pass out. I've been at my house all week. Drinking gallons and gallons of water.

I hope this stress will surpass and when Tuesday comes, I can drive out of Columbiana in my mom's car, and not to juvenile. I'm so so worried.

Settling Down?

I like smoking cigarettes. I hate being emotional. I hate letting things build up inside of me. Step by step there is going to be change in my environment, friends, people, and attitude.

This will work. I will be positive.

The City Has Sex With Itself.

trying to write something not emo.....
nope nothing comes to mind, D:



this is in your honor ;)

Dead.

No one in my life does me any good anymore, and I certainly do no good for them either. I'm so sick and tired of this bullshit mess. I don't want to be around it anymore. I don't want to be around anyone anymore. I don't even want to be around me anymore. 90% of the people that know me, hate me. And the other 10% I couldn't even trust to hold a lighter for me. I look in the mirror and I just want to punch the person staring back. I want to run and never look back. Get away from all these shitty people, shitty excuses, shitty opinions. Honestly, I just don't want to live anymore, but I don't want an afterlife or heaven or hell either. I just want to be gone completely; my soul out of any existence in this universe or whatever the hell we are living in.


I'm so pathetic.

Take cover

I don't want to fall back in love.



I'm having these crazy thoughts and fantasies, I don't like them.
They are too risky.