Out with the new, in with the old?

I wish it was possible to go back in time, to go back to a stage of your life and do things totally differently.

I got rid of my truth box, because I was actually starting to get hurt by what they were saying. I don't deserve that kind of negativity. Can't people see I'm trying to change? I'm not some wanna be hippy and never have been so I have no clue where they get that. I'm trying so hard to start being nicer and more polite and considerate to people, and no one takes notice. I don't ever go out of my way to be mean to someone and I usually stick up for people if they are getting fucked with. Yes, I have my far share of people that I dislike, but I don't make it obvious. I'm mature enough to at least be cordial so things aren't awkward. I'm just sick of so much criticism. I mean yes I do my far share of messing around with people, but I'm never serious, I just get a good laugh out of it, and I'm not trying to be mean.

Oh another note I did happen to slap Zach way too hard, which was not intended what so ever. It pissed me off how he acted like such a baby about it, I mean he has hurt me worse than that while we wrestled many times before. Whatever though, this means he is going to hate me for a long time, but it's ridiculous.

1/16/08

"write it out. whats bothering you. uh, i just dont understand why clay and chris are so pissed. ok- Jonathon's 18, i'm 14 yeah that looks bad. I'll be 15 in 3 months so that makes us 3 years and 5 months age difference. okay, that sounds/looks bad , but not as bad as they make it out to be. UGH. SHIT. I'm falling for him i think- that's so bad. Everyone told me about Jonathon...tells girls what they want to hear, is sweet to them for 1-2 months, fucks them, and that's it. But what if I'm different, like he says. what if he's not bullshitting me? LOL i'm so stupid of course he is lying to me and leading me on. I hate this. I guess clay's doing me a favor. I'd rather have clay's friendship than Jonathon's lust. I love Chris and Clay. They're like my brothers. I wonder if they hate me know? I'll have no friends. I don't want them be mad at Jonathon b/c of me. I don't want them to be mad at me either though. I didn't do anything wrong. It's not like I promised them I wouldn't do anything, all we did was kiss! WTF man. UGH, I just want to LEAVE. no one cares anymore. I've fucked everyone over, I really am worthless"


I found this note in my binder from freshman year. I don't remember writing this at all.

Fate?

lol i don't believe in fate.

So, I for some reason decided it would be a great idea to read old notes from Jake, too bad I was wrong. Soon what started out as reminiscing the past turned into a cry baby fest. I just read and re-read everything. i forgot how much he used to show that he cared about me. i sometimes doubt that i will ever find someone to love me like he did. this makes things confusing, because i've tested out how i would feel about going back out with jake, and for some reason i felt like a huge bitch when we had sex again. i love that boy more than he could ever imagine. and no one would ever come close to how much he meant to me.

i cried after i read this...

"hey i'm sorry about earlier, i'm just so hurt and confused its making me really bleh. i just really don't understand anything now, what all did caton say? what's going to happen? what's so special about devin? but please don't be mad at me, i need you so much right now. and i just want some info on what's going on. but no matter what lets be great friends and i'm sorry about all this i don't want to you be unhappy. you want me to be happy but honestly i'm not going to be happy without you. I'm always thinking that maybe your just saying all the things you say about how there's still a chance that we can be together and stuff but you've already made up your mind then idk. well i really am sorry. but plz just fill me in as to what's going on and stuff. do you think that we'll be together? well, margaret no matter what i love you. you'll always be my first girl i ever loved and always will. i'll see you in the hall I LOVE YOU!! jake"

"Everything is the same, even if it's different"

Interesting right? Just chew on that, think, digest the fact that that quote is so incredibly true. Humans like to separate things, make them unalike, but everything is the same. Made up of matter, atoms, molecules. Think of it this way: I'm am here and you are there we aren't different, we have different looks, different skin tones, different minds, but we are not different. These keys on the keyboard aren't living objects, no, but they are there, in real life, which makes them just like you and me. Because yes, we are all in real life. Everything is in our reality. So, if you look at the big picture we are all the same, every crumb, every big, every object, every being-the same, so why do we insist on making categories? Why do we separate everything down to hair color, body size, anything? It's always because someone is looking to be better than someone else, in any way possible.

It's killing me.

I'm on a widespread search. I'm sick of being alone, and just repeating the past over and over again. I want something real, something scary, and something worth losing everything over. I want that head over heels feeling, where when I hear their voice my stomach drops, and I know they want me just as much as I want them. I want someone that I look up to, and someone that I won't lose what I once saw in them. I want someone that kisses far better than anyone I've ever met, and makes me feel amazing. Someone I can spend time with and never get bored.

But in all honesty I want someone who just cares, and knows how to show it. Someone to keep me guessing. That's all. I'm sick of being alone.

Where's my luvr boi?

The best day of my life will be in...

Slightly Stoopid

that's kind of how i feel. but they are also a great band, listen to my myspace profile song, hahah. anyways, things seemed to be chilling out and getting comfortable again. i need a job with more hours though. i'm lovin this school schedule i have too, getting off probation will make things perfect. i just need to chill out for at least 3 months to get back on track and out of trouble. then i will be home free.

The Devil's Lettece.

Daaaaaaaaamn, what am I doing with things? I want to show my mom i respect her, because I do, but I don't want to do what she tells me to. It's so hard to follow these REASONABLE rules. Well, except the coming home at 9, that's not reasonable at all. It just goes to show how much Shelby County can suck a dick. I walked out my room and there was a cockroach on my wall. WHAT THE FUCK. Ok, I'm going to peace out.

"For every 10 years you're a junkie you spend 2 of them waiting"

12 Wal-Dram in the system, I wonder what this will be like. It's funny the lowest of the lows you will stoop too. I spent all day waiting with a result of nothing. I just wanted someone to shoot me.

Dimethyltryptamine

It's weird when people you know become people you knew. I know it sound cliche but it's so true. This trip to St. Louis has been so surreal. I feel like I'm in an alien. I love seeing my best friend, I just don't think the other people around here are for me. I'm like 500 miles out of my comfort zone and it sucks. I want to be at home so bad. I look at these people and wonder what it's like living in a total state of oblivion. It seems to me that a lot of people surround themselves with people they hate, just simply to have people to be around. Maybe it's just me and my pessimistic outlook or something. I don't know. I'm ready to be out of my mind.

Chaped lips & sore throats.

People are so so so interesting to me. I want to learn about every aspect of the human mind and why it functions the way it does and I want to learn about people. Inside and out. All of it, everything. I want to know why some believe what they believe and why some act and say the things they do and why others always feel the need to judge, but also why others say they don't judge people when infact I think judging is the only thing humans have ever been amazing at. Oh, well they are also amazing at conflicts. There is this one person who reminds me of myself about a year ago. I hardly talk to this person, but he is so interesting. Well, actually not really. It's just funny watching him make the same mistakes I did and what led me to where I am today. For instance, always talking and bragging about how stoned he gets and how he is a big stoner and how almost every conversation ties into mind altering substances. Yes, I used to be just like that. I used to go to school every day and telling everyone about how messed up I got the night before, and I hate no problem shearing with others all the drugs I had gotten into. Doing this has landed me the reputation I have today and it sucks when people you don't even know come to you looking for drugs, because that's NOT the reputation I want. If people only took a second to see who I really am, yet they can't because all I am ever projecting out to an onlooking person is drugs drugs drugs drugs. I've grown up a lot in the past couple months, and yeah I'm not ashamed of what I do in my spare time, but I also don't want everyone in the universe knowing, well I mean they can know, I just don't want to be bragging about it. If they see pictures of me drinking, so what. All I'm really getting at is I once projected a terrible image to my peers because I thought doing drugs and drinking made me "cool" and now I have learned my lesson. It doesn't make me cool, because I know plenty of people who do that and are total idiots and I would never assoicate with them, ever. I wish I wouldn't have done this to myself because I know a lot of people once looked up to me and thought of me as a leader, and I'm sad to say that I let a lot of people down. I mean who am I kidding I don't let what others think really affect the way I live, but I sure as hell don't want everything to think "drug addict alcoholic slut" when my name pops up in a conversation. I would much rather have the thought bubble of "Oh, she's a real nice girl" But no that's no longer the name I will ever have because once upon a time a nieve girl wanted the reputation of a badass. It's funny, I remember when my family members used to say "Margaret you know better than that!" and today when my cousin's boyfriend & I told my cousin it would be alright if she took this sunglasses laying in the middle of the ground, all my aunt said "Danielle you know better than that!" Haha, of course she doesn't expect me to know better than that because of my family reputation. Damn it, now I'm just rambling. I wonder if anyone will read this....