"write it out. whats bothering you. uh, i just dont understand why clay and chris are so pissed. ok- Jonathon's 18, i'm 14 yeah that looks bad. I'll be 15 in 3 months so that makes us 3 years and 5 months age difference. okay, that sounds/looks bad , but not as bad as they make it out to be. UGH. SHIT. I'm falling for him i think- that's so bad. Everyone told me about Jonathon...tells girls what they want to hear, is sweet to them for 1-2 months, fucks them, and that's it. But what if I'm different, like he says. what if he's not bullshitting me? LOL i'm so stupid of course he is lying to me and leading me on. I hate this. I guess clay's doing me a favor. I'd rather have clay's friendship than Jonathon's lust. I love Chris and Clay. They're like my brothers. I wonder if they hate me know? I'll have no friends. I don't want them be mad at Jonathon b/c of me. I don't want them to be mad at me either though. I didn't do anything wrong. It's not like I promised them I wouldn't do anything, all we did was kiss! WTF man. UGH, I just want to LEAVE. no one cares anymore. I've fucked everyone over, I really am worthless"
I found this note in my binder from freshman year. I don't remember writing this at all.
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