Sorry about the cage around the heart.

I always wonder things like
"why did I fall for him harder than he fell for me?"
"Why don't I feel for that person like they feel for me?"
"Why won't I let anyone in?"
"Or is it just timing?"

Then the reminiscing comes into play...reels of memories playing over and over again like a black and white old movie I found from storage wars. I see the same few faces. My young face. My young sad filled with tears of teenage heartbreak. I got played. It hurt, does it hurt anymore? No. I knew that then too, that it would be over soon enough and only a memory i shake my head at and flip to the next reel. But as these memories stream through my mind, I come back to these questions I stated earlier. I realize this metal cage around my feelings, around me, that keep myself from letting others get to me, is shackled. I think I locked it up and threw away the key. Empathy is there. Sympathy is there. Self-Satisfaction exists.

But that feeling...you know that one where that one person looks at you, it sends shivers down your spine. It makes the hair on your arms rise. Your heart beat faster. The butterflies that will never stop fluttering every time you lock in on each other's eyes. All you want to feel is the presence of their arms tightly around your body...Yeah, you all know what I speak of, and I'm terribly scared I have blocked these feelings from ever existing inside myself again. Because of the fear, the fear of the feeling of rejection, being forgotten, and being replaced.

Wave of emotion comes crashing as my fingers type this.
I'm only hoping to get the idea out of my head by sealing it in my 4 year old blog.

To what may come

To be able to take things in life weather amazing, terrible, ironic, etc. and make it a life lesson is a trait I am so grateful for.
Of course not every slight situation in life can be learned from.
Yet I find myself lost and confused a lot, then again I find myself in strange life lessons more often than most.
Take what you will and run with it.
I try I really do. I try and appreciate everything for what its worth.
I wonder why some aspect of my life are the way they are,
then comes the voice saying, "All in time young one"
It is true, I am way far too young to worry and wonder about the things I do.
Yet I have felt seen done, experienced, learned a great deal,
and my thoughts overrun my mind into amazingly deep places.
And this can be a curse, yet maybe it's all for something grater.
Now in lies the waiting game.
For what?

Time flies by.

Buzzz Buzz Buz Bu B....
Dwindling away to nothing. At nothing?
Wait, what to say
Separate the thoughts as to make complete sentences so you can understand what I'm trying to convey.
What if I don't want you to understand though. I mean people always stay entertained for longer when they can't figure it out.

Blah Blah blah. Life streams by and separates into particles which then sporadically go back and fourth between here and there ultimately ending up where it began. Or does it? Where did it begin? Hmm..
WHere did I begin? and was I supposed to? And am I supposed to be here? I don't want to be here. I want to go back. Yet, that is giving up, I think...I can't give up.

She doesn't get enough

Is it in the bottom of the bottle? Because from these past few months it seems as if I'm looking in all the wrong places.

To build a bridge, it has to have strong metal, steel, stilts for support.
I mean if it didn't, the bridge would wobble and crumble in no time.
The concept is the same for human beings.
Without support you feel yourself slipping into the empty place.
Once you get there it is dark and you look around and wonder ,"why?"
Why what?
Why was it so hard to have someone love you, believe in you, trust you, care about you, be happy for you.
Yet, people are ignorant fucks.
All you will ever have is yourself. This is very true. Only you, the thing that makes those random thoughts pop into your mind, the thing that makes you angry, sad, happy, the thing that makes you, you. Yeah, that's all you'll ever be able to rely on to never leave. Because once that one thing is gone, you're a cold corpse in the ground being eaten alive by maggots. You follow?


It feels like I'm slowing slipping to the bottom of that empty place. I find myself asking why more often than not. But then i remember I have the one thing that can never leave, and once it does leave so do I. So, in a way its always going to be okay. Weather your family, boyfriend, best friend, teacher, doctor, or whomever agree and support you, do what the fuck you want. Their opinions will never benefit you directly anyway.

Extraordinary

How is that a word?
I mean, what is ordinary?

Everything has been beyond me lately. Everything is a blur.
Suppress. Suppress. Suppress.
Want. Want. Want.
I always need more, it's a craving.


I just feel like a lost, lost, lost soul who fell into the wrong timeline and into the wrong universe.
I need to be out of my mind always.
I feel like I need you, and I can't understand why.
I can't understand why you haven't had a word to say to me since we hugged and you turned and walked out the door.

I've been poisoned

with the purest form of happiness.
Does this just happen over night?
No, not over night.
It's like I got hit in the face
with this extreme happiness and appreciation for everything.
I am so happy I just want to smile, why?
I don't know!

That's what makes this so real....the real happiness.
the contentment with my life have arrived.
How long? Who knows.
Hopefully long enough.

It's a great feeling to know that I didn't find happiness by finding a person, making amends, taking drugs, or anything.
I am simply content. And it is amazing.

...like the I said the purest form of happiness.

The shoreline

of my:
..subconscious
..life
..dreams
..reality

What?
How do I get there?
Do I drive? Walk? Run? Sleep? Transpire?
None of the above will work.
How do I get to you? How do I make you feel something real for once...lol yeah right.
I might be a worker, but I'm no miracle worker. I saw miracles in your eyes, but I was just fooled.


I'm good.. The smile feels genuine. Or maybe I'm just used to being a big faker. All. The. Time.

Will you be around when it matters?
What matters? Who is you?