I got a job! This makes me so excited to finally be making my own again. I thrive off independence.
Hoping for good hours, good pay, and it be a steady place.
Then I'll be living with Tara and Guelmy in no time.
It's the perfect idea, I hope it goes through.
By the end of the summer my goal is to have my own place.
Went to a therapist tuesday. First one since 2007. It was weird.
I talked for an hour.
"What exactly are you trying to resolve in your life?"
I went on for a fucking hour.
Like I said, I need a huge sigh of relief in my life.
I thought having a significant other would be my sigh of relief, I mean it did the trick a year and a half ago. It did cure my landlocked blues. I guess now it is all so new and unfamiliar, but I hate feeling as if I'm putting in more than I'm getting out. I have no reason to doubt the feelings he carries, or what he says to me. I really don't doubt him at all. He is great, we are great. But I'm still not feeling what I should be. I don't feel breezy and weightless like I want to. I used to. Or maybe the past always looks better in the present. Or maybe I'm fucking crazy.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Getaway
I'm always looking for a getaway.
What the fuck am I running from?
I think it might be myself.
I need to realize I can never escape myself.
I'm completely fucked.
I need a sigh of relief very soon.
What the fuck am I running from?
I think it might be myself.
I need to realize I can never escape myself.
I'm completely fucked.
I need a sigh of relief very soon.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Dream
I don't like to post twice in a day but I had the craziest dream last night.
I was with Guelmy and we drove to this empty huge like hotel place. Like a loft at the top of a hotel. It was all white, looked brand new. White walls, white carpet, television. Yet it was all empty space. Except for a couch with about 12 people laying everywhere. The one girl runs up to me right off the bat and starts hugging me and keeps saying "oh you poor poor girl, look at you sweetie, you poor girl, just give me a kiss" and I was like "No, I know you. You're name is Taylor, you are a freshman, what are you doing?" and she says, "you're right I am" and walks away. Then, I proceed to look around at everyone, and there is this boy talking about cocaine and he just looks so fucked up. He has scratches and sores all over his face and arms and body, and he is itchin' so hard. I sit on the couch and realize I'm sitting next to Spencer Wikenden, my best friend from Florida who I grew up with in elementary school. She is sitting there talking about how she just moved to Olympic and then I realize about three other people there are from my elementary school in Florida, whom I haven't seen since the 4th grade. Including the boy who is itchin, I say to him, "You're Barrett? The one I used to call Barrett the Carrot? That is YOU?" and he just nodded his head in a way of saying "duh"
Weird ass dream, but in my dream when I came to the realization that these were people I grew up with, and I was actually going to high school with them for once, and we would graduate together, I felt so extremely happpy, even if everyone in the room was a junkie.
I was with Guelmy and we drove to this empty huge like hotel place. Like a loft at the top of a hotel. It was all white, looked brand new. White walls, white carpet, television. Yet it was all empty space. Except for a couch with about 12 people laying everywhere. The one girl runs up to me right off the bat and starts hugging me and keeps saying "oh you poor poor girl, look at you sweetie, you poor girl, just give me a kiss" and I was like "No, I know you. You're name is Taylor, you are a freshman, what are you doing?" and she says, "you're right I am" and walks away. Then, I proceed to look around at everyone, and there is this boy talking about cocaine and he just looks so fucked up. He has scratches and sores all over his face and arms and body, and he is itchin' so hard. I sit on the couch and realize I'm sitting next to Spencer Wikenden, my best friend from Florida who I grew up with in elementary school. She is sitting there talking about how she just moved to Olympic and then I realize about three other people there are from my elementary school in Florida, whom I haven't seen since the 4th grade. Including the boy who is itchin, I say to him, "You're Barrett? The one I used to call Barrett the Carrot? That is YOU?" and he just nodded his head in a way of saying "duh"
Weird ass dream, but in my dream when I came to the realization that these were people I grew up with, and I was actually going to high school with them for once, and we would graduate together, I felt so extremely happpy, even if everyone in the room was a junkie.
You Cry Too Much
I don't think I cry half as much as I have deserved through my seventeen years of mishaps.
So much has happened though, so much has been said.
I can't help but to cry.
I try to stand and look so fearless, and strong, and confident.
It doesn't take much to make me fall these days, you used to never see me fall.
I cried about Chris for the first time in months yesterday. I may have been the beer or the emotions running between me and Kenneth, but it hurt. It still all hurts so much. I thought I could be done with him in no time. It has been months. He's having a baby, we were supposed to have babies. I don't want kids with him. I don't want a future with him because he has already fucked up any GOOD future for himself, or his newly formed family.
Why do I care? Why do I give a rat's ass what he is doing? I haven't seen him since August, wow. Maybe that is why I care. I haven't been reminded of how gross he is to me. How much he disgusts me but at the same time I yearn for his presence and his arms around me. So much, our song. I want him to call me, no I don't. He wants me so much, and yet still has pushed me from his life. I know he isn't happy with Keri, he told me last we spoke. Last time we spoke: I was in Alabama, and he was begging to see me, to pick him up from work. I didn't go, I was fucked up, very, unable to drive. But I said no, I didn't get in the car or demand someone drive me. I ignored 18 calls. There has to be a reason behind my reasoning.
Why Do I Care
So much has happened though, so much has been said.
I can't help but to cry.
I try to stand and look so fearless, and strong, and confident.
It doesn't take much to make me fall these days, you used to never see me fall.
I cried about Chris for the first time in months yesterday. I may have been the beer or the emotions running between me and Kenneth, but it hurt. It still all hurts so much. I thought I could be done with him in no time. It has been months. He's having a baby, we were supposed to have babies. I don't want kids with him. I don't want a future with him because he has already fucked up any GOOD future for himself, or his newly formed family.
Why do I care? Why do I give a rat's ass what he is doing? I haven't seen him since August, wow. Maybe that is why I care. I haven't been reminded of how gross he is to me. How much he disgusts me but at the same time I yearn for his presence and his arms around me. So much, our song. I want him to call me, no I don't. He wants me so much, and yet still has pushed me from his life. I know he isn't happy with Keri, he told me last we spoke. Last time we spoke: I was in Alabama, and he was begging to see me, to pick him up from work. I didn't go, I was fucked up, very, unable to drive. But I said no, I didn't get in the car or demand someone drive me. I ignored 18 calls. There has to be a reason behind my reasoning.
Why Do I Care
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Who is to say
Gone, left us behind, waved and smiled and vanished. Is that what dying means? Because I would love, love, love to think so, but the goose bumps, and the chills that I get from thinking of death tells me something different.
Just a huge hand reaching out of the sky, ready to catch you right as you have come to an end. YOUR end, your goodbye forever. You are never going back.
It doesn't sound so bad when it is all premeditated.
But what happens when you are just leaving a party, driving home one morning, and that huge hand reaches out and grabs you before you even notice it is there. That is how it happens. You don't even have time to blink before you're gone, it is all so true. We are superior beings, yet it doesn't take much to bring us down and take us out. Shouldn't that mean something? Shouldn't that tell us something about our creator and creation?
I've only experienced death, losing someone, a few times in my short lifetime. It was always the same reaction. I feel like someone knocked the wind out of me and the chill bumps raise. I have no words. Just a blank stare. An empty mind.
I wonder what it will feel like to lose myself. My end. Thinking about it, I imagine it feeling like I just lost my stomach from going down a huuge hill. I can only hope to leave at peace with myself, but then again, I might never do that.
Just a huge hand reaching out of the sky, ready to catch you right as you have come to an end. YOUR end, your goodbye forever. You are never going back.
It doesn't sound so bad when it is all premeditated.
But what happens when you are just leaving a party, driving home one morning, and that huge hand reaches out and grabs you before you even notice it is there. That is how it happens. You don't even have time to blink before you're gone, it is all so true. We are superior beings, yet it doesn't take much to bring us down and take us out. Shouldn't that mean something? Shouldn't that tell us something about our creator and creation?
I've only experienced death, losing someone, a few times in my short lifetime. It was always the same reaction. I feel like someone knocked the wind out of me and the chill bumps raise. I have no words. Just a blank stare. An empty mind.
I wonder what it will feel like to lose myself. My end. Thinking about it, I imagine it feeling like I just lost my stomach from going down a huuge hill. I can only hope to leave at peace with myself, but then again, I might never do that.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Surface Ripple.
you broke the stillness in everything, but that is okay, because I let it happen. In a nutshell, all I ever do with my beautiful mind is stress it the fuck out. I worry. About this, or about that. About you, or them. Everything imaginable to worry and stress about, it is on my mind.
I would like a sinkhole to form in a close proximity to where I live because those, my friend, look like a IRL worm hole where if you fall into it, it will suck you up so fucking quick into a parallel universe and that is all.
Fucking cool, huh?
Take me to the parallel universe where there is no dimensions.
I would like a sinkhole to form in a close proximity to where I live because those, my friend, look like a IRL worm hole where if you fall into it, it will suck you up so fucking quick into a parallel universe and that is all.
Fucking cool, huh?
Take me to the parallel universe where there is no dimensions.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Closed
I find it most interesting as to why somethings that impact our subconscious the most, are things we will never remember. I guess that is why we will never understand ourselves as human beings.
Lay me out, sprawl me out for everyone to see. What do they see? Flesh, hair, bones, piercings, tattoos. But that's not what I mean by seeing. I really want them to see.
I see. I see you, and you, and her, and him. I don't just look, I see, I examine, I think, I wonder. Energy is just radiating from every little pore in our body, most people don't even realize it's there. I walk in and energy hits me in the face. I feel like I know you, I felt like I knew you.
Smiles and Cries. I hate, more than anything, losing people close to me. Even if they are here, and we are on good terms, I lost people. It wasn't my fault either, but they are gone. And I wonder what they think and what they see now, and if they ever miss me.
Bye-Bye.
Lay me out, sprawl me out for everyone to see. What do they see? Flesh, hair, bones, piercings, tattoos. But that's not what I mean by seeing. I really want them to see.
I see. I see you, and you, and her, and him. I don't just look, I see, I examine, I think, I wonder. Energy is just radiating from every little pore in our body, most people don't even realize it's there. I walk in and energy hits me in the face. I feel like I know you, I felt like I knew you.
Smiles and Cries. I hate, more than anything, losing people close to me. Even if they are here, and we are on good terms, I lost people. It wasn't my fault either, but they are gone. And I wonder what they think and what they see now, and if they ever miss me.
Bye-Bye.
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