I shouldn't be awake;

However, I shouldn't be a lot of things that I am.

Today my mind was full of millions of little thoughts that just raced in and out of my focus. I feel like, like, if I could just grasp onto something, anything-an idea, a philosophy, an understanding, of something that is running my mind lately maybe I wouldn't be so easy to break. Everything is so up in the air, floating around trying to escape out the cracks of the newly opened door. My very being is becoming weak and indecision is taking over me again...I never meant to let this happen again. I never wanted to have another one, and I did, and now I remember how much my independence means to me and how much I thrive off of others being just as independent.

On another note, my best friend, Clay, needs to come home. I need someone to talk to so bad, someone I can just break down and spill everything to and not get sympathy from him, because I don't need sympathy, and I sure as hell don't want it. I need my own piece of mind, and I'm pretty sure he's the only one who can feed me it without me resenting them.

I'm back

this is my last resort. this is where i was 5 months ago, typing away my feelings on a website that no one ever reads. except i'm different now. i experienced a really important and significant relationship. it was awesome. it was fun. it was exciting. it WAS worth losing everything over. it WAS everything i had talked about wanting and needing 5 months ago. And now here I am, I got what I thought could cure my landlocked blues, but it didn't. I'm stuck here, in this place. Contemplation is a crazy son of a bitch. I fel in love and now all that is gone. the one thing i never thought would happen, did.


it's all so over and now i'm going to have to readjust my life back.

Fact of Nature.

Is I will never be able to love life and embrace everything in it. Fuck that anyways. I'm turning into an apathetic moody bitch. Someone I hate being, someone I was at this time last year. I'm so unhappy with everything. What am I so miserable about? I'm not sure. Who are my friends? I have no idea. I sleep, I eat, and I get a bottle. Yet every time I'm wasted I get so fucking isolated and just feel like going to sleep. I don't want to live I don't want to open my eyes every morning and see the world staring back at me. I don't want to hear voices and see light. I want to stayed buried in my blankets and sleep my apathy anyway.


And another thing I hate is fucking selfish liars and people who seek sympathy and fucking go right back to the problem. FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. FUCK YOU. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

It's official

I'm miserable in my own skin.
I don't like anyone anymore.
I just want to go far far away.

Frustration sinks in

and I start to doubt everything.

This is all too good to be true, I knew something was going to happen to make me start doubting everything I was so confident in.

I have the strongest feelings for him, and I don't want to lose him. It just scares me so much....

And I'm pretty sure

my mom hates me.

"I'm sorry that they just grilled you for the past 10 minutes"

Yeah, and that's feeling of having to over-achieve to be accepted and having to go far and be amazing and rich. Except for the fact that, I just want to live simply. There's nothing wrong with that? No need to set myself up for failure...

I have not been so happy in a long time though. He's great. I've never felt more perfect than when we are laying together with his arms wrapped around me.