I'm floating in this boat, alone.

THIS BOAT OF MISERY. it just sucks hating every aspect of your goddamn life! I'm too emotional, I always get into these funks, one: happy! two: depressed. Fuck. I feel so abandoned, and alone, and forgotten. I'm not sure why, I know I have friends. Being home all the time gets my mind to thinking, and I hate thinking, thinking can be so dangerous when you live in an unstable state of mind, and that's what I live in. I take this medicine so I can just sleep because without it I'd stay awake all night thinking and thinking and thinking. My schedule is so fucked up. I just feel like it wouldn't impact anyone's life weather I stayed in Alabama, or moved. Even in thinking that I still hesitate moving states. I'm so messed up. Honestly, I don't know anyone more selfish and disrespectful than myself, and I don't want to be like this, but I just am. I mean I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so frustrated.

Gravity always wins.

I've noticed, once I get to feeling as up as anyone could feel, I end up hitting reality while I'm so far up, and it brings me back to the lowest low you could ever imagine. Does that make sense to you? because it makes perfect sense to me. I really need to know if what I have been thinking is true. I just don't understand how people live their lives and never EVER get caught up in such a mess like I have been. I don't understand how some people can steal, assault, and hurt so many people and walk away without any punishment. It feels like to me if I ever do anything wrong to someone, something comes back to bite me in the ass. Karma sucks, but I wonder if it's all coincidental? I also wonder if I just have horrible luck.

I don't wanna change things, but I'm being forced. I don't want to move, but change is exciting. I think change is leading me to St. Louis, but the thing is, moving to North Carolina I would have so much more freedom, but I don't know a single soul. It sucks being the new kid, being so awkward and being stared at, getting asked the same questions over and over again. It makes me cringe just thinking about it. Plus, seeing others so comfortable in their every day life, while I'm miserable in my own makes me want to puke on their pretty brand new shoes.

Need you like water in my lungs.

Pathological liar, me! me! me! Every word I say to you is a lie and I can't help it. I hate it being this way, but if you knew the truth, you'd hate me more than you already do. Okay, well you probably don't really hate me but you act like it.

Walking down the streets I've never felt more full of life and spirit. I'm really happy with some aspects with how things are, but also it's destroying everything I've been building up. It's funny how fast something controls your life when you let it. I forgot how sucked in I get to that lifestyle I love living. But it's time to decided: I can either feed myself to the sharks, or go out just to have another night of fun. Hmm, it's such a hard decision. But getting eaten alive doesn't sound appealing. Of course I'm figuratively speaking, but you understand it all the same. I know what I need to do, it's just going to be very very difficult.

My mom is crazy if she thinks I going to continue living this life after I get off probation. I don't want to move back to St. Louis but I'd do that way before I'd move to North Carolina. If only I could move back in with David....How joyful.

I wish I knew if karma and God existed. So I knew if all this were signs. I asked for a sign, and I have gotten many of what I would consider "signs" , (a lot differently than I asked for of course) but I'm just waiting...

Leave, but don't leave me.

Question, answer. Question, answer. It's what life is. There's a question and there just has to be an answer according to some. I have more questions unanswered than I do answered questions. My point is just because there isn't an obvious right in front of you answer doesn't mean you just avoid the situation or question or whatever it is.

I'm thinking, always always thinking. I really have messed up my life, trust, body, mind, conscious, friendships, and relationships. But I only regret losing one friendships, since August '07 I've been one big fuck up, but only in that time did I lose one of the most important friendships in my whole entire life time. And I don't care, but I'd spend an eternity getting that friendship back.