I'm really sad

And when I say that I don't mean the type of sadness caused by one word or words, or by one person or persons, I mean genuinely sad. I want to deny it everyday to myself and tell myself it's only because of (a) and I wouldn't be so down if (b) hadn't happened, but it's not like that. I don't know what to do to about it anymore, how did I let this sadness back into my life? I got rid of it once, and it came back with an evil vengeance to say the least...my whole body hurts every day inside and out. Everything that I used to never be affected by, hits me now like pins and needles. I feel like everything is so much worse than what it is in reality. I really really miss being this carefree happy girl who everyone loved being around...and now I'm nothing close to that. If someone told me that the Earth was going to implode tomorrow I can not say I would feel the least bit scared, because it would make this life and all life be over and I can't say I wouldn't mind that. I hate waking up, I hating thinking about so many things that become intertwined into one mess and I just get myself so worked up over these thoughts that will never go away. I can't find anyone to intimately connect with. I feel like I lost 90% of the people who care or cared about me. I can't make myself hate the one person that has made my life a living nightmare. What THE FUCK IS MY PROBLEM.