and it starts

I have so much to think about. So much going in and out of my focus. I just wish I could be where I want, do what I want, feel how I want...I mean theoretically I can, but I can't be where I want because my mom is stopping me, I can't do what I want because I feel too compelled to do something more logical, and I can't feel what I want to feel because I have so many inflicting emotions that I just don't want to deal with. I just don't fucking understand one goddamn thing anymore and it's fucking insane. I can't even type and make sense anymore. I'm lost. I want to find my way back to just going with the wind. I used to have such a sincere smile, but now I feel my teeth grit every time. I'm forcing myself into a routine I completely dread everyday. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want someone who I can sit down and talk to all this about, hell I don't even know if I could if given the chance. I don't know how to speak out about everything. I'm a blur. This is a blur. It's hopeless.

My whole being is so concentrated on being strong though, and I think that is what's bringing me down the most.